To me, being a good mom means always putting your child first. Sure, from the outside looking in, one might think I could be a parent: I have a steady job, I have a loving and supportive family, and I am a fairly well-rounded person, but it is more than that.
Choosing Adoption
I was not in a place financially to provide the best for a child. I had been struggling with my mental and emotional health, and I was finally getting back on my feet when I found out about Baby Girl. I cried after my ultrasound appointment wondering what in the world I was going to do. My best friend asked me if I thought about adoption, and I had not at that point. I looked into it and thought if I could make a family's dreams come true by doing adoption, then my story could mean something so powerful.
There were a lot of questions that went through my head going into the adoption process. Would I deserve to be a mom in the future if I did adoption now? That question kept me up at night. Would the baby hate me? Would she think I just did not want to be her mom? I logically knew all the answers to those questions, but having your mind and heart match feelings and thoughts can be so hard. Thankfully the adoptive family I chose helped me through it. They assured me that yes, I absolutely will deserve to be a mom. They also told me that Baby Girl’s story would never be that I “didn’t want her.” They said they would always talk to Princess (that is what we called Baby Girl and still call her now!) about me with such love, a love so big that I wanted so much more for her.
Finding My People
LifeLong Adoptions was amazing from the start. I was connected to my coordinator, Kalei, and she talked with me and sent me a list of possible families. I wanted a couple who knew what a blessing a child would be, which obviously is every couple on the website, but it was more of a feeling. I went into all the profiles, read their stories, and asked myself: Can I see them raising this baby?
I was supposed to pick two families I wanted to talk to. I clicked on Charles and Ernesto and from reading their story, I felt loved, cared for, seen. I just knew they were the ones. I didn't even want to pick a second family. I can still remember what their profile said, it was something like, “Thank you for taking the time to read this. We know this is not an easy choice for you but we will be there for you.” When I say I instantly felt loved and seen, I mean it. For the first time in six months I relaxed, breathed, and believed that I could do this!
When we started texting, they did not ask me questions about the baby right off the bat, instead they got to know me. I was not just a “baby maker” for them; I was a person who deserved love and to be seen! From day one we clicked. I can’t explain it, but the connection we had from the start was not awkward or forced. We connected when I was six months along, and they were there for me from that day on. We talked all day, every day. We still talk daily, even a month after Princess came into this world. I love how they still care for me and ask me how I am. They are just amazing!
The connection we have is truly something that movies should be made of. They became my people, my family. Family is the best way to say it. I like to say Princess was waiting for them, because she knew they would be there for us. She brought us together because she knew all three of us needed each other in our own ways. I hope every birthmom finds not only the right parents for her baby, but the right people for her, too. The birthmom is important as well.
A Solid Support System
Charles and Ernesto were the ones to ease all of my concerns while going through the adoption process. I did not tell my family or even my closest friends about my adoption plan, but I was okay, because I had Charles and Ernesto.
It’s funny, even when I saw my parents when I was 38 weeks pregnant, they did not catch on. I did not tell them because I needed to make this choice for myself. Charles and Ernesto knew this. I was going through this alone, and they never left my side from that first day we connected. They were the ones I told about my day, what my coworkers did to annoy me, my crazy customers, when Princess kicked, and when she wanted ice cream for dinner. They cared for my thoughts, my feelings, my life, and what I want my future to look like. We talked about how I grew up, how they grew up, and what we wanted for Princess.
Charles and Ernesto were so respectful of my choices throughout the whole process, but the three of us also started making choices together. I did not mind being pregnant, but also did not think it was amazing, so when I was asked about being induced, the three of us discussed it together. Each of us were respectful of ALL of our feelings and thoughts, and in the end, we decided on an induction. When my doctor asked who would be with me in the delivery room, without hesitating I said, “Her dads.” The doctor asked me, “Are you sure?” But to me it was a no-brainer.
One Big, Happy Family
Two days before the induction, Charles and Ernesto came down and we finally got to meet in person! It was like meeting friends I had known forever. We spent the day together. When the morning of the induction came, they picked me up and we went into this together. We were all together in the delivery room, and they got to cut Princess’s cord after she was born. They even took me home from the hospital. It was the four of us walking out together, knowing we were family!
At first, I had wanted a closed adoption. I went into this alone and scared and wanted it…not over with, but just done. However, my connection with Charles and Ernesto changed all that. After Princess was born, we were sitting in the hospital together and we talked about how we could not imagine having a closed adoption because of the strong bond we have.
I originally thought it would be too hard to have an open adoption and see the daughter I gave birth to, but I am so glad those thoughts were not true. I LOVE when I get pictures of all three of them. It helps me see I made the right choice. She has a VILLAGE that not only loves her but also her dads. Seeing what I helped create makes me beyond happy. I am blessed to be part of that.
What I am looking forward to the most is watching Princess grow up and seeing Charles and Ernesto love that girl with everything they have. I am also taking this experience as my next chapter. I want to be the best self I can be, and I will make this adoption journey worth it. I knew I was not ready to be a mom because I need to work on myself, and if I don’t follow through with that, all this would not be for what it is. I want to see Charles, Ernesto, and Princess be the best family they can be and see me turn into my best self.
The Emotions of Adoption
After connecting with Charles and Ernesto, I knew that adoption was what I wanted for Baby Girl. Yes, there was always the chance of changing my mind, but I did not feel that way. I struggled with that feeling though, and wondered if I was a bad person for having that feeling. I always referred to Charles and Ernesto as her dads, even before she was born. I knew from the start Baby Girl was waiting for her dads. I just kept her safe until it was their turn. However, I struggled with myself mentally and emotionally. Would they judge me? Think I was heartless? I think that is why I did not tell many people what was happening.
The bulk of my emotions came the day before induction day, which was when I finally told my siblings. They were a little shocked, especially since I was going in the next day. I did not want them to think I was just giving up their niece, but they did not feel that way. My sister was the best supporter, and she understood I was making the best choice for my daughter for the right reasons. After talking with her, I went in for my induction with no hint of a second thought. Charles and Ernesto were meant to be my daughter’s parents.
Working with LifeLong & Sharing Some Advice
From the day I messaged LifeLong Adoptions, they were so kind to me. I loved how Kalei asked me if I wanted to text or talk on the phone. To me, that was great because she was making sure I was comfortable as it can be hard to put all those thoughts into audible words that make sense. She told me about the process, sent me families to look at that day, and she was just there for me. I loved how she didn’t question me about wanting to talk to only Charles and Ernesto, and she did not pressure me into talking to a second family.
Kalei also texted me regularly as my pregnancy progressed, asking how I was feeling and if I needed anything. She was just a great support person who knew my situation that I could lean on. After the birth of Princess, she checked on me and asked how I was doing.
I also liked how I had one dedicated support person at LifeLong and Charles and Ernesto had another person. I think this would be helpful and comforting for a birthmom who maybe does not have such a strong connection with the adoptive parents, that way she can speak openly with her coordinator about concerns she might not want to express to the family. Honestly, I do not have any suggestions for ways that LifeLong Adoptions could better support birthmothers, I really enjoyed my experience with them!
Some advice I would give to other pregnant women who are considering adoption: Go through the emotions. Give yourself grace! You are not a bad person for doing this. Try and see the positive on the days it’s hard. You are making a family and you are changing a family's life for the best! It is okay to be confused and wonder what the heck is going on, but listen to your heart. Do not let your mind overtake your heart or vice versa. Find the family who makes you feel loved and cared for. You are more than a baby maker, you are an important person who deserves love and grace. I hope other expectant moms can find a family like I did, because, if you are lucky, in the end, you are not losing a baby, you are gaining a family.