Choosing to put the needs of adopted children first means approaching adoption with an altruistic mindset, knowing that adoption is first and foremost about the child. Parents and families considering adoption should reflect on whether they truly have what the child needs, recognizing that these needs extend far beyond just the physical and emotional ones.

So, what does it look like to put the needs of adopted children first? Here are some ways:

Recognize the implications of race if you choose to adopt transracially. 

The choice to adopt transracially requires parents to be willing to engage, understand and hold space for how racial differences affect adoptees. Take time to reflect on and consider your own personal biases and beliefs before adopting transracially. Identify areas where maybe you need to learn and grow or where you hold unconscious bias.  While all adoptions will come with challenges, transracial adoptions are nuanced and multifaceted in their own way. Transracial adoptees need parents and families that are willing to navigate the challenges of racial differences with grace and care.

If you chose to adopt transracially, you need to be willing to prioritize the following:

• Have a community of color around your child and family.
• Represent and honor your child’s biological culture or race in everyday life.
• Acknowledge where you need help and where your limitations are.
• Find counselors, mentors, or people in the community that are the same race as your adopted child and allow them to walk closely with your family.
• Initiate and engage in conversations about racial injustice, stigma, bias and discrimination within your family and in your respective communities.
• Establish safe and unsafe spaces for your adopted child and be willing to cut out people and places that feel unsafe for your child.
• Sit in humility, listen, learn and ask questions when you do not understand.
• Acknowledge you will never understand your child’s lived experience as a transracial adoptee and be willing to believe their words as their truth.

Recognize when you need help and be willing to ask for it.
As a parent, you cannot meet all your child’s needs, no matter how much you want to. Counselors and mentors are two of the best resources for your adopted child. If you feel like you need help connecting and engaging aspects of adoption with your child, bring someone in to help facilitate those conversations or have them directly with your child if you feel unable. Additionally, whether or not you see or feel the need, your adopted child will benefit immensely from counseling, do not inhibit them from this safe space. It can be easy to assume your child is 'well-adjusted' if they are not vocalizing or exhibiting behaviors that indicate otherwise. However, do not make this assumption. Every child processes and navigates their adoption differently. Silence and compliance can also be manifestations of trauma.

Partner with other adoptive parents.
Along with being willing to ask for help, adopted parents will need support from other adoptive parents. Other adoptive parents can be a great resource and source of encouragement and support, please do not feel you have to go it alone. Partnering with other adoptive parents can help you love and support your adopted child well. Community is a gift to be taken advantage of, do not assume you have all the answers.

Be willing to have hard conversations.
If you are choosing to adopt, you need to be willing to talk about adoption. This means conversations start early and the focus is on transparency and honesty. Waiting until developmental milestones are reached to talk about certain aspects of adoption is appropriate in some circumstances, but you need to be willing to engage all aspects of adoption with your child, not just the easy ones. You also need to be willing to initiate these conversations, do not assume your adoptee does not want to talk about them simply because they are not bringing them up.

Have an openness to exploring biological ties.
Your adoptee may desire to find and/or connect with their biological parent/family. This can be hard for adoptive parents, and it is a delicate and sensitive matter. Connection to biological ties can be life giving and healing for some adoptees. For adoptive parents, be open and supportive of your child’s need for this. Your adoptee needs you to sit in the uncomfortableness of it and be willing to talk about it with them, even if you do not want to. Your child needs to feel supported and affirmed in learning and connecting with their biological parent/family.

Successful adoption hinges on placing the child's needs at the forefront. This involves more than just providing physical and emotional support; it requires a deep commitment to understanding and nurturing all aspects of the child's development. Prospective parents must carefully evaluate their ability to meet these multifaceted needs, ensuring that their decision to adopt is truly in the best interest of the child.

By: Ramya Gruneisen