When a birthmother responds to your adoptive parent profile, that usually means you’re going to begin communicating with her soon. The first conversation can be a nerve-wracking experience for both parties. This is normal since that conversation may determine if you and a prospective birthmother are a good connection. Sometimes you’ll know the first time you speak, but in most cases it will take a while to figure out the nature of your relationship. That’s why it’s so important to know which questions to ask your birthmother.

Questions to Ask Your Birthmother During the First Conversation

Many birthmothers feel stressed before the first conversation with the adoptive parents. That’s why the first conversation should be an easy, light conversation just to get to know each other. Put as much emphasis on her and her feelings as possible. Try to share some common interests and avoid personal questions. You can ask her about the pregnancy, but nothing too deep. Here are a few examples of questions to ask your birthmother during your first conversation.

1. How are you feeling?
2. What do you like to do in your free time?
3. What are your interests and hobbies?
4. Do you like sports?
5. Have you read any good books or seen any good movies lately?
6. What was it about our profile that stood out to you?
7. Have you experienced morning sickness or nausea during your pregnancy?
8. When is the baby due?
9. What else do you want to know about us/me?

Questions to Ask Your Birthmother about the Adoption

During your second conversation or meeting, things will likely be much easier. After the birthmother has informed you or the adoption agency or professional that she has chosen you, then you can begin talking with her about her adoption plan.

1. Have you researched a lot about adoption?
2. Have you talked with other birthmothers who have placed their baby for an adoption?
3. Do you have friends or family supporting you during the adoption process?
4. How did you decide on adoption?
5. Have you thought about your adoption plan or your hospital plan?
6. Do you have any special requests when it comes to raising your baby?
7. What kind of relationship do you want to have with your baby after the adoption? And with me/us?
8. How do you feel most comfortable communicating?
9. What are your plans for the future?

The key to an open relationship in the adoption process is honesty, so always talk honestly about your plans and desires. If a birthmother doesn’t want to answer a particular question, ask another one. It’s completely normal that she feels scared, and maybe she doesn’t want to share too much until she gets to know you better. Keep that in mind, and it will be easier to align the comfort levels on both sides of the adoption process.